Way Overdue...

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted on here. I've been so busy as a new mom, that I've completely forgotten my blog. But now as my sweet 3 month old angel-on-Earth sleeps, I have finally found some time. As you can tell from my opening, I have indeed gave birth to my "Rainbow baby." After a very scary pregnancy (she was perfectly find the whole pregnancy, it was just me that was terrified,) and MANY stinkin' Lovenox shots, I was induced to have my girl on November 28th, 2012. I went in that night, and they started giving me cervidil around 9:30 to soften my cervix. I began to have mild contractions around midnight, and at 6 they started me on Pitocin. Got me a great ol' epidural around 8 in the morning, and at 12, my doctor came to break my water. As soon as my water was broke, my doctor inserted an internal ultrasound to monitor baby's heartbeat. Almost as soon as they got it in there, the heartbeat got REALLY irregular. So much so that they didnt even think it was possible for her heart to be beating like that. And then, it began to drop. Very fast. After trying (unsuccessfully due to the epidural) to get me on my hands and knees, the nurses panicked, the doctor ran to prep for surgery. My nurse was literally ripping cords out of the wall. I was FREAKING out. I really thought I was going to lose ANOTHER baby, after making it the whole pregnancy! As they're rushing me down the hall (just like in the movies!), all I could do was cry. And say repeatedly, "I'm scared!" They got me in the O.R., and as I was getting prepped for surgery I was trying so hard to pray. But it was as if I just couldn't get any words out. All I was getting out was "Help us dear Jesus! Please keep the baby and I safe." through my tears. A nurse came up to me and grabbed my hand, and prayed with me, when I couldn't find any words. She prayed that Jesus would protect me and the baby, and that he would guide the doctors hands." That was the last thing I remembered before I was out. When I woke up in recovery, my doctor was there and told me about my precious new baby. At 1:11 p.m. on November 29, my sweet Zadie Isabelle was born. A small 6 lbs 6 oz, and 19 in long. Just a lil dark peach fuz on her tiny head. My nurse told me that my Doctor got her out in 5 minutes. Literally. They said that he should've gotten the reward for fastest C-section ever. I'm so thankful for him, and all the nurses that helped deliver my sweet girl. As soon as I was allowed to leave recovery, they took me to the nursery and handed me my precious girl. I remember her just staring at me with her pretty brown (almost black, just like Mommy's) eyes. I was so proud. Today, my darling Zadie Belle is 3 months old and doing great. She goes to bed around 10:30 every night and sleeps until around 8. she eats GREAT! And is such a happy baby. I wish so much that her big brother Aaden was here, to be just that, a big brother! But I know that he's watching down on us, with so much love. One day we will all be together in Glory Land! To all my Angel baby Momma's out there: Don't lose hope! Always turn to Jesus. He loves you so much! Here's some pictures :)

IT'S A GIRL! (gallstones & injections)

Since writing on here last I've had three more ultrasounds done of my little monkey, the first of those 3 determining that I am indeed having a little GIRL! I was quite shocked when the u/s tech told us, because I was just so sure that I was having a boy. But, God decided to bless us with a baby girl instead :). I couldn't be happier with the healthyness of our little one, every check up she has a strong heartbeat, and she's got some strong kicks on her too! We still have yet to come up with a for sure name for her, but there are a few we like and since I've still got about 13 weeks or so left, we still have time for that. As mentioned before, I am still on the LOVENOX injections, giving a 40 mg dose to myself every night. Recently I've begun to alternate injection sites between my upper thighs and my belly. And I'm getting quite tired of them LOL, but whatever it takes! After having some upper right quadrant pain lately, I was ordered an ultrasound on my gallbladder, only to discover that I have 2 very small (4 mm ) gallstones in there. Since i'm so far along in pregnancy, my doctor's really don't want to do surgery, and I've been put on a NO FATS/NO SPICES diet, which is no fun at all when all you want is mexican food! But once again, oh well, pregnancy is drawing closer to an end as I enter my last trimester, and then we can figure out something to do about that. Besides this diet! Anyways, I'm still thinking God every day that my baby girl is healthy as can be inside my tummy, and knowing it won't be too much longer before I'm having this HEALTHY baby and meeting her sweet little face. I really just can't wait! This first ULTRASOUND is showing that she's a "SHE"

Baby girl's face at 20 weeks

Her precious face at 24 weeks with her hands up to her mouth.

And her face yet again at 24 weeks yawning :)

So I've put off writing on here for awhile now. No reasons in particular, just been really busy for the past few months. Since I was on here last, life has changed A LOT. I found out I was pregnant again in April, and got married in July. Honestly, I'm SOOOO happy right now with life. I've been blessed greatly, a lot more than I deserve. As I said, I found out in April that I'm pregnant again!! Actually, I found out April second, so my husband (fiance at the time) just thought that I was April fooling him. But I wasn't, and after a trip to the ob-gyn, I found out I was about 5 weeks pregnant. At about 13 weeks I switched back to the doctor that I was going to with Aaden ( I started out going to a doctor who was closer, but realized I felt more comfortable going to someone who I was already used to, and who knew my history with Aaden well.) They done some blood work to see if I had a protein s deficiency and a couple other things (What happened to Aaden was never really certain, and they wanted to make sure that I wasn't at risk for a blood clot, since my protein s levels had been a tad low after I had him.) The protein s came back a little low and they wanted to put me on blood thinners JUST IN CASE to be on the safe side. So, low and behold I've been giving myself LOVENOX injections in my stomach for a month now. Which, by the way, are NO fun at all, but I'd rather be on the safe side of that. I got an ultrasound scan done at 16 weeks, just to check on baby. Everything looked GREAT!! Baby was moving all around during the whole thing, but the little stinker wouldn't uncross his/her legs to let us see the gender! Now I'm 20 weeks and 4 days pregnant today! I go tomorrow for another ultrasound to try to determine the gender. That means I've already made it halfway through (duh!) I'm a little nervous, after what happened with Aaden, but Jesus has helped me through this every day, step by step. And my faith is now greater than it has EVER been! My husband has been so supportive through this whole thing. He's such a blessing to me and I've never been more in love in my entire life. It's so nice to have him here to go through this whole thing with me. When I was pregnant with Aaden, his father didn't really give much through the whole thing. And he was most definitely not supportive. So having Caleb here through this one has been a blessing in itself. He's so in love with me AND our baby. It's so sweet to watch him rub my tummy and talk to the little baby already. I've been feeling baby's kicks and wiggles for a few weeks now, and I'm thankful for every single kick and wiggle that I feel (Yes, even those kicks to the bladder that send me running for the bathroom every time!!) Caleb has even got to feel the kicks a few times, but our stubborn little monkey likes to move around so much, it's hard to catch a kick from the outside! I honestly can't Thank God enough for all that he's done and is DOING for me and my family. He has blessed us so much, and he continues to do so, even when we deserve it the least. Jesus loves us so much! I would appreciate all the prayers that may be sent my way. I've got a lot of faith and I'm trusting in Jesus throughout this pregnancy, but who couldn't use more prayers?! Also, if anyone else has been on LOVENOX during pregnancy, I would love to have some advice or even just some comments on how it worked for you!! This is a picture of Me and my husband after his sister's wedding!

And this is our 4D ultrasound we got a 16 weeks, if you look closely you can make out the babies little face!

This is baby's profile!

Spring Brings New Life

Spring is not my favorite season (Fall is, to be exact,) because of all the storms and rain and hormonal weather (lol.) But, I can't deny the pure beauty of it. New life springs up everywhere outside. Tree's get their blooms, and turn green or colorful for the ones that have flowers. The grass is green, flowers pop up everywhere (and I definitely love my flowers!)And this Spring, I got to enjoy another type of new life; one of my best friends had her baby boy. He's so cute! And tiny! (Only weighing in at 5 lbs 12 oz.) And yeahhh, let me say, from the moment I held this precious baby boy, baby fever hit me like a ton of bricks. Walking out of the hospital, I looked at my other friends who came with me, and said, "I WANT ONE." These other friends of mine, all three of them (one of them is my sister,) have babies of their own. And I have a baby in Heaven, but the want to have another one, and soon, intensified. I get home and go right up to my boyfriend, "I WANT ONE. We have to get married. NOW!" Of course he doesn't have this baby fever so much...
But I am keeping to that promise from God, that I will have another...hopefully soon :)
Here's a few pics of this beautiful baby boy :)

Life Goes On

I've always been horrible about writing letters. I can write them beautifully, but never send them. Why? i don't know...I forget and then it's too late lol. Luckily, with a blog, it's not really ever too late. So this is my apology to all my followers, for not keeping my blog updated well.
January 26th made 2 years since my original due date with Aaden. It was actually a very hard day for me. As I told my boyfriend (who, bless his heart, is amazing with me when I have my "emotional" days lol), people wouldn't think that 2 years later, a due date that was never even reached, could still mean so much. But, the only way I know how to explain it is that when you lose someone, especially someone who you never got to meet, you hold on to every little thing connected. Even a date, that was important at the time they were alive, but that was never reached.
But, as always, God's not going to give us anything that we cannot handle, and He always brings us through; and I got through that day. And my life goes on.
Been thinking lately about how much I want to have another child. Not, of course, to take Aadens place. But just because, I'm ready to be a mother again. I'm actually ready this time (after me and my love get married of course,) and when it happens it won't be such a surprise. I've grown SO much in the 2 1/2 years since I was pregnant with Aaden. Not only have I matured in the normal sense of the word, but I've matured so much in CHRIST. Which, is the most important. If you can have that closer walk with, growing every day in HIM, then you can grow in all other areas of your life.
And I've sure been blessed beyond what I've deserved. I mess up everyday, just like everyone else. Be it something little, or something not so little. I'm no where close to perfect, and I don't deserve any of what God has given me. He lived for us, died for us, and lives again for us still. He gives us love, even sometimes let's us obtain that mother's love. He has given me a place to live in, food to eat, water to drink, LOVE, and so much extra. Every day he fills my life with blessings. Even on the bad days, that I'm so swallowed up in my own SELF PITY (and I hate to think that I have that sometimes, but we all do, even when we don't realize that that's what it is.) Sometimes we all just need to sit down and talk to God. Instead of asking for anything, give Him a few minutes just to thank Him for ALL his blessings, and all that He's done for you. Imagine if all we had was what we thanked Him for?
Now, this is for all my angel mom's out there. Recently, my boyfriend and I discovered a very talented musician. His name is Jonathan David Helser, and he is a VERY anointed man of God. On his album, Walk Through The Walls, there is a song called "Amy's Song." It is about a little girl in Heaven. After hearing it, and realizing how much it touched that very spot in my heart that I have for Aaden, I looked it up to find out it's origin, why he wrote it. I found out that God woke him up in the middle of the night, and gave him this song 2 or 3 weeks after some good friends of him and his wife lost their baby girl, Amy, and had her stillborn. I was like WOW. Just listen to this song, insert your baby's name where it says "Amy." I believe it will touch you all as it has touched me.

I suck at blogging about as much as I suck at sending letters to people. Actually maybe I suck worse at blogging, because I usually get letters wrote, just never in the mailbox :/. Oh well...

I've grown a lot in the last few months emotionally. I thought I was going to break down compelety at the 2 year mark. It's so hard to explain how I felt...it was almost as if I was back at where I started 2 years ago. I needed a lot of prayer, and a lot of prayer I got. And it helped. During the last few months God has given me the faith I've needed all along, in all kinds of surprising little ways.

On Aadens birthday, we went up to the graveyard, just like last year, and let some balloons go. It actually wasn't even his birthday, but the day after due to some circumstances. This year, my boo went with me. As I ironic as it is (although I don't like to call it that, since it was God's way of letting me know HE'S in control), that was the very same spot I'd met him two years before at Aaden's funeral. My two best friends (both of whom were pregnant),my sister in law,
my cousin and my sister who were both there for me in the hospital the whole time were there also. I know that Aaden's father wasn't there, again, but that was nothing new. All in all, it was a very emotional day, but it ended with that knowing in my heart, that I will see him again one day.

I'm sorry it took me so long to post this, like I said, I SUCK! lol. Here's some pictures from that day :)

That time of year...

3 Days from today makes 2 years since I went to the doctor and found out that there was no longer a heartbeat from my Aaden Elijah. 8 days from today makes 2 years since I gave birth to him, and 9 days makes 2 years since I buried him. It's been pretty hard on me lately. A lot harder than last year for some reason. This year has brought back some of the old emotions from when I first lost him; anger, jealousy, hurt, guilt. It just seems so hard to believe that 2 years has already passed me by.
It's a hard thing to plan something to do for your sons birthday when he's not here. Of course, I'm going to do the same thing as last year, and let balloons go, a wish lantern, and maybe even a cake. But I don't want to have to buy balloons to go let loose at a grave yard, and eat a cake without him here. I want him here! I want to be celebrating his 2nd birthday WITH him. But that is in a way, selfish of me. Because Aaden never had to know the heartaches and pain of this world. He died without spot or blemish, so he went straight to Heaven. How could I wish for him to leave such a wonderful, and happy place; for such a place like Earth.
I know that he will be with us that day in our hearts. And he will be watching from Heaven, and thanking Jesus for such a wonderful family he has down here. He'll be sending me love from golden streets. As we all send him love from a sad little grave yard, far up in the woods on a mountain.
Aadens father wasn't around much, and I never even talk to him now (which I'm actually glad about.) But the one time he told me some wise words after we lost him, he said that Aaden may have died here on Earth, but he would live on through us, through our hearts, and through the memories I have of him. ( Maybe in a few different words, lol.)
Thank you Jesus, for my beautiful baby boy in Heaven!

Today was a special day, I found out that one of my dearest friends is pregnant. I'm so happy for her! And I'm so excited. It's really sorta bittersweet for me, both of my best friends are having children. I love my best friends, and I love their children, but it does make me miss my Aaden so much! He should be here, growing up with them. He would be like their big brother. I know it will be bittersweet for me to watch all my old friends having their children, while my arms are empty though I've carried my love inside my belly and felt him move. Probably will continue to be that way up until I have myself another child. But even another child will never take the place of Aaden, even though I will love my next child just as much! I know one day my God will give me another child on this earth! And one glad morning, I will hold my beautiful angel baby in Heaven as well!
In a little over two months it will make TWO years since I bore my son into this world and buried him the next day. Two years since I felt him kick for the first time, and several weeks later will make two years since I last felt him kick. It really does seem unreal...seems like only yesterday I was watching the little lumps rise and fall on my belly. Although I am doing emotionally better, I do still miss my son as much as that day nearly two years ago, that he was buried. I still will be driving down the road and turn around to look in the backseat, half expecting to see him there. Or at least imagining what it would be like if he were. I still sometimes feel a little tug at my heart when I see a little blonde haired toddler who is about the age Aaden would be now. And I still even break down and cry sometimes. I wish so bad I could hold him now. But I must remember there is a reason for everything. God knew how great of a mother I would've been to my little darling, so I know there must've been a great reason beyond my understanding that he took him on up to be in HIS arms. At least I know my son is happy as he could be, playing with the angels. Way out of dangers reach. What better babysitter could you ask for than JESUS Himself?! I just know that one day I will get home from work on this Earth, and God will hand him back over to me. Oh what a glorious day that will be!

BabyAngelPics

I was recently just browsing through sights online that had to do with stillbirth, parents-of & support groups when I came across a website called, BabyAngelPics. I went to it and found out that they are a company who restores photos. On their website they offered to restore two photo's of stillborns for free. Automatically I decided I wanted to try it. Although the website said they only done pictures of stillborns 32 weeks gestation or over, I sent mine in anyways (Aaden was 22 weeks.) I asked them to maybe give him his normal caucasion skin color(since his was still red), to give him open eyes if they could(blue of course, since his were,) and whatever eles they could do to fix them. Today I came back from a trip to Alabama and had recieved my pictures. They have done such a wonderful job! I can finally have an idea of what my baby would look like had he been born alive and at the right time. Although I know he may have looked a little different, I know that this picture is close. They didn't really changed anything, except his skin color and eyes. Just made it look better, taking away the bruising and things. I wanted to share one of these pictures with you. And I definitely recommend this site to any stillborn parents or relatives. I know that it can be hard to show peope pictures of you child with the bruising, or red skin, or other things that make it even more sad. And although, I still think my son was beautiful the way he was born, it is a lot harder for other people to see him like he was, because they just don't understand. Thank you so much, BabyAngelPics!
f.y.i., here's the website: www.babyangelpics.com :)
The picture is at the top left side of my blog page!

What Makes a Mother?

One thing that always got me about other people, was that some of them still don't consider you a mother if you miscarried or had a stillborn. I don't understand how anyone can think that. We're mothers too, just like Mommy's who had their children on Earth with them for awhile before they lost them. Our babies were once alive, WE know this. WE heard their heartbeats, and seen them wiggle around on a screen. WE felt them move, and kick, and roll around. Our babies were alive, and now are alive even more and even more beautiful with Christ Jesus in Heaven. Don't ever let anyone tell you any different...we are MOTHERS.

This poem always touched my heart. And still to this day, it brings tears to my eyes.

"What Makes A Mother" Author unknown.

I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,
A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this.
God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"
So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one

Footprints on MY heart

First off, this blog is of great significance to myself, as well as I think it could be to many other people.  To explain the name.  I know there are many great people who have left "footprints" on our hearts and who have impacted our lives in great ways.  They all deserve to be remembered and kept alive through memories.  This blog, however, is for the parents, or family, of stillborn babies.  Many people don't even acknowledge stillbirth as even a problem.  Some people think you should just pick up and get on with your lives; that "it" was nothing since "it" wasn't born "alive."  But that's definitely not the case.  For one thing, those babies are not "it's." And just because they weren't born alive, doesn't mean they wasn't alive, because they were, in order to have died.  And, as a mother of an angel in Heaven, I know personally that you love these babies just as much as you love your other children who are alive and well.

My story is this.  Two years ago, I was 18 years old.  I got pregnant, and by a man who didn't really care.  He was there on and off throughout the prengancy.  So, with the help of my family, I knew I was gonna raise this child without him, and even at a young age, I got ready to be a mother, and a GREAT one at that.  I found out I was having a boy, and I loved my son very much.  My hand would almost always subconsciously linger over my belly. I picked out the name Aaden, and was very excited to be a mother.  At 22 weeks, I went to the doctor, for a normal monthly check-up.  I told the doctor that I hadn't been feeling him move as much, and the doctor said that was normal at such an early stage.  She then goes to check the heartbeat.  And she couldn't find it.  I got sent to the Ultrasound tech, but I already knew the truth.  My son had died, and so quickly. It didn't seem possible, but it happened.  My heart was broke, it was if I was in a horrible nightmare.  First thing i did, was I went and found my son's father.  After hunting him down for a couple hours I finally found him.  All he did was give me a hug, and say that there wasn't anything that could make him miss being at the hospital Monday when i was set to give birth to my dead son.  I lived the rest of the weekend in a daze, I didn't like to sleep, because my dreams were usually as bad as my reality. 4 days later, on Monday, I headed up to the hospital with my mom, my sister, and my cousin.  I made them give me one last ultrasound before they induced me, just to make sure it wasn't a mistake.  But there wasn't...still no heartbeat.  At around 6 am Tuesday morning, I was ready to push my son out. And at 6:23 am, my 12 inc, 14 oz son was out of my womb. I think I literally lost my mind then.  I was screaming, and weeping. They asked me if I wanted to hold my son.  In the state that i was in, I didn't think I could handle holding my son, dead.  Not because it made me sick, or I thought it was gross. Because he wasn't gross, he was beautiful.  But because I just couldn't imagine holding my son, and him not being alive. I wanted to hear him cry! And look into his eyes! But i couldn't, it was not possible.  And now, i regret more than anything not holding my son.  But I know I will one day in Heaven.  My mother, my sister, and my best friend seen him.  The hospital took pictures and gave them to me.  The pictures, along with his birth certificate, are my most cherished items.  He was beautiful. His skin was still red, but he had the slightest amount of blonde hair.  My beautiful son. His father never showed up, nor did he show up at the funeral.  Friends and family gathered around in my family cemetary as they lowered my babys casket into the ground. I felt like I was dying.
Although, it's been almost two years ago, i still miss my Aaden as much as I didn that day.  I cried myself to sleep for months afterwards.  I was depressed and never wanted to leave.  Then i met my boyfriend, and I found God again.  I realized that there was a very important reason that God took my Aaden on up to heaven, or else he wouldn't have.  I don't know the answer now, but i will one day when I look into my beautiful son's eyes.  Since then, I've finally got my joy back. I love Jesus, and I give him all my praise for everything.  I miss my Aaden, and I think about him literally everyday.  I still even have days where I just cry a lot.  But i know that everything's going to be okay.
This blog is for everyone who's been affected by a baby born sleeping.  A baby who was loved dearly, and then took away so fast.  If you are going through this, or have gone through this, just know that Jesus loves you and is always there for you to comfort you. I'm here for any of you who need someone to talk to.
<3