Time and distance can not erase a love and bond so deep <3

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Footprints on MY heart

First off, this blog is of great significance to myself, as well as I think it could be to many other people.  To explain the name.  I know there are many great people who have left "footprints" on our hearts and who have impacted our lives in great ways.  They all deserve to be remembered and kept alive through memories.  This blog, however, is for the parents, or family, of stillborn babies.  Many people don't even acknowledge stillbirth as even a problem.  Some people think you should just pick up and get on with your lives; that "it" was nothing since "it" wasn't born "alive."  But that's definitely not the case.  For one thing, those babies are not "it's." And just because they weren't born alive, doesn't mean they wasn't alive, because they were, in order to have died.  And, as a mother of an angel in Heaven, I know personally that you love these babies just as much as you love your other children who are alive and well.

My story is this.  Two years ago, I was 18 years old.  I got pregnant, and by a man who didn't really care.  He was there on and off throughout the prengancy.  So, with the help of my family, I knew I was gonna raise this child without him, and even at a young age, I got ready to be a mother, and a GREAT one at that.  I found out I was having a boy, and I loved my son very much.  My hand would almost always subconsciously linger over my belly. I picked out the name Aaden, and was very excited to be a mother.  At 22 weeks, I went to the doctor, for a normal monthly check-up.  I told the doctor that I hadn't been feeling him move as much, and the doctor said that was normal at such an early stage.  She then goes to check the heartbeat.  And she couldn't find it.  I got sent to the Ultrasound tech, but I already knew the truth.  My son had died, and so quickly. It didn't seem possible, but it happened.  My heart was broke, it was if I was in a horrible nightmare.  First thing i did, was I went and found my son's father.  After hunting him down for a couple hours I finally found him.  All he did was give me a hug, and say that there wasn't anything that could make him miss being at the hospital Monday when i was set to give birth to my dead son.  I lived the rest of the weekend in a daze, I didn't like to sleep, because my dreams were usually as bad as my reality. 4 days later, on Monday, I headed up to the hospital with my mom, my sister, and my cousin.  I made them give me one last ultrasound before they induced me, just to make sure it wasn't a mistake.  But there wasn't...still no heartbeat.  At around 6 am Tuesday morning, I was ready to push my son out. And at 6:23 am, my 12 inc, 14 oz son was out of my womb. I think I literally lost my mind then.  I was screaming, and weeping. They asked me if I wanted to hold my son.  In the state that i was in, I didn't think I could handle holding my son, dead.  Not because it made me sick, or I thought it was gross. Because he wasn't gross, he was beautiful.  But because I just couldn't imagine holding my son, and him not being alive. I wanted to hear him cry! And look into his eyes! But i couldn't, it was not possible.  And now, i regret more than anything not holding my son.  But I know I will one day in Heaven.  My mother, my sister, and my best friend seen him.  The hospital took pictures and gave them to me.  The pictures, along with his birth certificate, are my most cherished items.  He was beautiful. His skin was still red, but he had the slightest amount of blonde hair.  My beautiful son. His father never showed up, nor did he show up at the funeral.  Friends and family gathered around in my family cemetary as they lowered my babys casket into the ground. I felt like I was dying.
Although, it's been almost two years ago, i still miss my Aaden as much as I didn that day.  I cried myself to sleep for months afterwards.  I was depressed and never wanted to leave.  Then i met my boyfriend, and I found God again.  I realized that there was a very important reason that God took my Aaden on up to heaven, or else he wouldn't have.  I don't know the answer now, but i will one day when I look into my beautiful son's eyes.  Since then, I've finally got my joy back. I love Jesus, and I give him all my praise for everything.  I miss my Aaden, and I think about him literally everyday.  I still even have days where I just cry a lot.  But i know that everything's going to be okay.
This blog is for everyone who's been affected by a baby born sleeping.  A baby who was loved dearly, and then took away so fast.  If you are going through this, or have gone through this, just know that Jesus loves you and is always there for you to comfort you. I'm here for any of you who need someone to talk to.

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