Time and distance can not erase a love and bond so deep <3

Thursday, December 1, 2011

I suck at blogging about as much as I suck at sending letters to people. Actually maybe I suck worse at blogging, because I usually get letters wrote, just never in the mailbox :/. Oh well...

I've grown a lot in the last few months emotionally. I thought I was going to break down compelety at the 2 year mark. It's so hard to explain how I felt...it was almost as if I was back at where I started 2 years ago. I needed a lot of prayer, and a lot of prayer I got. And it helped. During the last few months God has given me the faith I've needed all along, in all kinds of surprising little ways.

On Aadens birthday, we went up to the graveyard, just like last year, and let some balloons go. It actually wasn't even his birthday, but the day after due to some circumstances. This year, my boo went with me. As I ironic as it is (although I don't like to call it that, since it was God's way of letting me know HE'S in control), that was the very same spot I'd met him two years before at Aaden's funeral. My two best friends (both of whom were pregnant),my sister in law,
my cousin and my sister who were both there for me in the hospital the whole time were there also. I know that Aaden's father wasn't there, again, but that was nothing new. All in all, it was a very emotional day, but it ended with that knowing in my heart, that I will see him again one day.

I'm sorry it took me so long to post this, like I said, I SUCK! lol. Here's some pictures from that day :)

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

That time of year...

3 Days from today makes 2 years since I went to the doctor and found out that there was no longer a heartbeat from my Aaden Elijah. 8 days from today makes 2 years since I gave birth to him, and 9 days makes 2 years since I buried him. It's been pretty hard on me lately. A lot harder than last year for some reason. This year has brought back some of the old emotions from when I first lost him; anger, jealousy, hurt, guilt. It just seems so hard to believe that 2 years has already passed me by.
It's a hard thing to plan something to do for your sons birthday when he's not here. Of course, I'm going to do the same thing as last year, and let balloons go, a wish lantern, and maybe even a cake. But I don't want to have to buy balloons to go let loose at a grave yard, and eat a cake without him here. I want him here! I want to be celebrating his 2nd birthday WITH him. But that is in a way, selfish of me. Because Aaden never had to know the heartaches and pain of this world. He died without spot or blemish, so he went straight to Heaven. How could I wish for him to leave such a wonderful, and happy place; for such a place like Earth.
I know that he will be with us that day in our hearts. And he will be watching from Heaven, and thanking Jesus for such a wonderful family he has down here. He'll be sending me love from golden streets. As we all send him love from a sad little grave yard, far up in the woods on a mountain.
Aadens father wasn't around much, and I never even talk to him now (which I'm actually glad about.) But the one time he told me some wise words after we lost him, he said that Aaden may have died here on Earth, but he would live on through us, through our hearts, and through the memories I have of him. ( Maybe in a few different words, lol.)
Thank you Jesus, for my beautiful baby boy in Heaven!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Today was a special day, I found out that one of my dearest friends is pregnant. I'm so happy for her! And I'm so excited. It's really sorta bittersweet for me, both of my best friends are having children. I love my best friends, and I love their children, but it does make me miss my Aaden so much! He should be here, growing up with them. He would be like their big brother. I know it will be bittersweet for me to watch all my old friends having their children, while my arms are empty though I've carried my love inside my belly and felt him move. Probably will continue to be that way up until I have myself another child. But even another child will never take the place of Aaden, even though I will love my next child just as much! I know one day my God will give me another child on this earth! And one glad morning, I will hold my beautiful angel baby in Heaven as well!
In a little over two months it will make TWO years since I bore my son into this world and buried him the next day. Two years since I felt him kick for the first time, and several weeks later will make two years since I last felt him kick. It really does seem unreal...seems like only yesterday I was watching the little lumps rise and fall on my belly. Although I am doing emotionally better, I do still miss my son as much as that day nearly two years ago, that he was buried. I still will be driving down the road and turn around to look in the backseat, half expecting to see him there. Or at least imagining what it would be like if he were. I still sometimes feel a little tug at my heart when I see a little blonde haired toddler who is about the age Aaden would be now. And I still even break down and cry sometimes. I wish so bad I could hold him now. But I must remember there is a reason for everything. God knew how great of a mother I would've been to my little darling, so I know there must've been a great reason beyond my understanding that he took him on up to be in HIS arms. At least I know my son is happy as he could be, playing with the angels. Way out of dangers reach. What better babysitter could you ask for than JESUS Himself?! I just know that one day I will get home from work on this Earth, and God will hand him back over to me. Oh what a glorious day that will be!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


I was recently just browsing through sights online that had to do with stillbirth, parents-of & support groups when I came across a website called, BabyAngelPics. I went to it and found out that they are a company who restores photos. On their website they offered to restore two photo's of stillborns for free. Automatically I decided I wanted to try it. Although the website said they only done pictures of stillborns 32 weeks gestation or over, I sent mine in anyways (Aaden was 22 weeks.) I asked them to maybe give him his normal caucasion skin color(since his was still red), to give him open eyes if they could(blue of course, since his were,) and whatever eles they could do to fix them. Today I came back from a trip to Alabama and had recieved my pictures. They have done such a wonderful job! I can finally have an idea of what my baby would look like had he been born alive and at the right time. Although I know he may have looked a little different, I know that this picture is close. They didn't really changed anything, except his skin color and eyes. Just made it look better, taking away the bruising and things. I wanted to share one of these pictures with you. And I definitely recommend this site to any stillborn parents or relatives. I know that it can be hard to show peope pictures of you child with the bruising, or red skin, or other things that make it even more sad. And although, I still think my son was beautiful the way he was born, it is a lot harder for other people to see him like he was, because they just don't understand. Thank you so much, BabyAngelPics!
f.y.i., here's the website: www.babyangelpics.com :)
The picture is at the top left side of my blog page!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

What Makes a Mother?

One thing that always got me about other people, was that some of them still don't consider you a mother if you miscarried or had a stillborn. I don't understand how anyone can think that. We're mothers too, just like Mommy's who had their children on Earth with them for awhile before they lost them. Our babies were once alive, WE know this. WE heard their heartbeats, and seen them wiggle around on a screen. WE felt them move, and kick, and roll around. Our babies were alive, and now are alive even more and even more beautiful with Christ Jesus in Heaven. Don't ever let anyone tell you any different...we are MOTHERS.

This poem always touched my heart. And still to this day, it brings tears to my eyes.

"What Makes A Mother" Author unknown.

I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this.
God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Footprints on MY heart

First off, this blog is of great significance to myself, as well as I think it could be to many other people.  To explain the name.  I know there are many great people who have left "footprints" on our hearts and who have impacted our lives in great ways.  They all deserve to be remembered and kept alive through memories.  This blog, however, is for the parents, or family, of stillborn babies.  Many people don't even acknowledge stillbirth as even a problem.  Some people think you should just pick up and get on with your lives; that "it" was nothing since "it" wasn't born "alive."  But that's definitely not the case.  For one thing, those babies are not "it's." And just because they weren't born alive, doesn't mean they wasn't alive, because they were, in order to have died.  And, as a mother of an angel in Heaven, I know personally that you love these babies just as much as you love your other children who are alive and well.

My story is this.  Two years ago, I was 18 years old.  I got pregnant, and by a man who didn't really care.  He was there on and off throughout the prengancy.  So, with the help of my family, I knew I was gonna raise this child without him, and even at a young age, I got ready to be a mother, and a GREAT one at that.  I found out I was having a boy, and I loved my son very much.  My hand would almost always subconsciously linger over my belly. I picked out the name Aaden, and was very excited to be a mother.  At 22 weeks, I went to the doctor, for a normal monthly check-up.  I told the doctor that I hadn't been feeling him move as much, and the doctor said that was normal at such an early stage.  She then goes to check the heartbeat.  And she couldn't find it.  I got sent to the Ultrasound tech, but I already knew the truth.  My son had died, and so quickly. It didn't seem possible, but it happened.  My heart was broke, it was if I was in a horrible nightmare.  First thing i did, was I went and found my son's father.  After hunting him down for a couple hours I finally found him.  All he did was give me a hug, and say that there wasn't anything that could make him miss being at the hospital Monday when i was set to give birth to my dead son.  I lived the rest of the weekend in a daze, I didn't like to sleep, because my dreams were usually as bad as my reality. 4 days later, on Monday, I headed up to the hospital with my mom, my sister, and my cousin.  I made them give me one last ultrasound before they induced me, just to make sure it wasn't a mistake.  But there wasn't...still no heartbeat.  At around 6 am Tuesday morning, I was ready to push my son out. And at 6:23 am, my 12 inc, 14 oz son was out of my womb. I think I literally lost my mind then.  I was screaming, and weeping. They asked me if I wanted to hold my son.  In the state that i was in, I didn't think I could handle holding my son, dead.  Not because it made me sick, or I thought it was gross. Because he wasn't gross, he was beautiful.  But because I just couldn't imagine holding my son, and him not being alive. I wanted to hear him cry! And look into his eyes! But i couldn't, it was not possible.  And now, i regret more than anything not holding my son.  But I know I will one day in Heaven.  My mother, my sister, and my best friend seen him.  The hospital took pictures and gave them to me.  The pictures, along with his birth certificate, are my most cherished items.  He was beautiful. His skin was still red, but he had the slightest amount of blonde hair.  My beautiful son. His father never showed up, nor did he show up at the funeral.  Friends and family gathered around in my family cemetary as they lowered my babys casket into the ground. I felt like I was dying.
Although, it's been almost two years ago, i still miss my Aaden as much as I didn that day.  I cried myself to sleep for months afterwards.  I was depressed and never wanted to leave.  Then i met my boyfriend, and I found God again.  I realized that there was a very important reason that God took my Aaden on up to heaven, or else he wouldn't have.  I don't know the answer now, but i will one day when I look into my beautiful son's eyes.  Since then, I've finally got my joy back. I love Jesus, and I give him all my praise for everything.  I miss my Aaden, and I think about him literally everyday.  I still even have days where I just cry a lot.  But i know that everything's going to be okay.
This blog is for everyone who's been affected by a baby born sleeping.  A baby who was loved dearly, and then took away so fast.  If you are going through this, or have gone through this, just know that Jesus loves you and is always there for you to comfort you. I'm here for any of you who need someone to talk to.